


blow my mind, baby  [ star wars ]

by fiveisarat



Series: a sky full of stars (i'm gonna give you my heart) [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: (not between qui and obi dont worry), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Finally, Gay, Getting Together, Grey Jedi, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan is legal, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Pre-Canon, Pre-Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon Jinn is a Disaster, Self destructive behaviors, Stubbornness, and feelings, damn rebellious teens, everyone is bad at communication, he's also really bad at communicating, its sad, obi-wan almost ditches the jedi, quiobi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27507967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveisarat/pseuds/fiveisarat
Summary: Qui-Gon Jinn knows how he feels about his apprentice is wrong. He knows that instead of dealing with his feelings, he's only been doing more damage to a partnership half broken anyway. That all of Obi-Wan's insecurities, in the end, lead back to him. And the guilt is eating away at him, affecting everything, but especially his relationship with his Padawan.So when he starts having visions of Obi-Wan giving up on their partnership, in a more final way than Qui-Gon ever expected, he has a decision to make. Confess, or lose Obi-Wan forever.Sometimes, you need a catalyst to have a conversation you should have had years ago.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: a sky full of stars (i'm gonna give you my heart) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016082
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	blow my mind, baby  [ star wars ]

**Author's Note:**

> ONE CHAPTER! ITS A ONE CHAPTER THING! THESE MAKE ME HAPPY FOR NO APPARENT REASON! 
> 
> have some angst (a lot of it) and fluff okay 
> 
> title from "pump it" by the black eyed peas (i had the idea for that line as a title for FOREVER and now i get to use it!! i love) 
> 
> i have a theme song for obi-wan and jay's dynamic, or the dynamic they would have had if obi-wan had decided... well, you'll see, but it's "walls" by all time low. it's half a song of self-discovery for obi and jay, half a song of realization that they have choices, and that they matter. i love it. i love this. aaa!

_It had all really started with something small. Jay Siska, Obi-Wan's best friend, had stormed into the Padawan's dojo, anger rolling off him in waves. Obi-Wan almost dropped his saber at the sudden strong emotion, turning to face his friend._

_"Out," Jay'd snarled at the younger Padawans, and they, with wide, scared eyes, scuttled out of the dojo. Obi-Wan flicked off his lightsaber and walked over._

_"What's wrong?" he asked._

_"Just my master," the other boy said angrily. "Another ever so offhand comment about how those who feel strong emotions always turn out to be Sith."_

_Jay's master was notorious among the Padawans for believing, with an almost unshakable faith, that his student would turn to the Dark Side. And unlike Obi-Wan's own master, Qui-Gon Jinn, who had had an apprentice that turned, a boy named Xanatos, this master seemed pretty much intent on believing something with no base evidence. And nothing that could explain his distrust, the way Qui-Gon did._

_That wasn't to say that Qui-Gon thought Obi-Wan would fall. He just had trouble trusting him, which Obi-Wan could understand. All he could do was try his hardest to be the best Padawan he could, and prove that he wasn't Xanatos. This was something that Jay argued against, saying that he shouldn't have to prove anything. Some days Obi-Wan agreed. But that didn't mean he was going to stop trying._

_Not only did Jay's master believe he would be Sith, but he barely trained him, for that reason. His rationale was shaky at best, stating that should Jay ever turn, at least he wouldn't know enough about the Force to do any real harm. So Obi-Wan invited him to training sessions with his master, and helped him where he could. It seemed clear as day to him that Jay's master was only aggravating the situation. Should Jay ever turn, some of that blame would weigh on his master as well._

_"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said. "He's wrong, you know. Nobody else thinks you're evil."_

_"What if they do?" Jay asked. "What if all of them look at me and think 'that boy's going to kill us all one day'?"_

_"Then that's their problem," he said. "I don't think you're bad. You're going to be a Jedi Knight, and they'll all see. You know they will."_

_"Yeah," his friend said, mollified for the moment. A moment passed, and then- "You wanna spar?"_

_"Sure." Obi-Wan shrugged, smiled, and ignited his blue blade. Jay's yellow saber lit up, and they lunged, the crash of their sabers echoing around the dojo._

_Two weeks later, Jay approached him with dark shadows under his eyes and a calm Obi-Wan had never seen him possess about him._

_"I'm leaving."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm leaving," he repeated. "This whole thing... I can't do it anymore. Not when everyone believes I'll go bad."_

_"So this is you going bad," Obi-Wan said._

_"No," he said. "This is me trying to be good. And I can't do it here." he took a deep, shuddering breath. "And I want you to come with me."_

_"What?" Obi-Wan said again. He leaned forward, hoping Jay was joking._

_"I'm leaving the Jedi. And I want you to come too."_

_"I can't," Obi-Wan stuttered. "This is- I can't just leave. I'm going to be a Jedi. My master-"_

_"Doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you!" Jay protested. "You shouldn't have to prove that you're a good guy. If our masters can't see what's right in front of them, that we're **good** , then they don't deserve us." _

_"I can't," he said. "Besides- what are you going to do?"_

_"I'm going to find something," he said. "I have options. We have options."_

_"I'm not going," Obi-Wan said firmly. "You can stay here, Jay. We're doing well enough."_

_"That's not enough anymore," his friend shook his head. "Not for me."_

_"If I can't stop you, then..." the younger Padawan trailed off. "I'm sorry. I wish you had a better master. I wish you would stay."_

_"So do I," Jay whispered, and pulled his friend into a hug. "But I can't."_

* * *

**Five Years Later**

Obi-Wan walked out of the quarters he shared with his master, trying desperately to release his feelings to the Force. Sometimes Qui-Gon was extremely hard to understand, and he was especially difficult when he got defensive. 

It hadn't been anything of importance, not really. The Council had reprimanded Jinn for his deviation from their directives on the last mission, and Obi-Wan had brought up that Qui-Gon would be _on_ the Council if he just listened to them. But his maverick master had just shaken his head and said that he followed the will of the Force, whether the Council liked it or not. And really, that should have been enough for Obi-Wan, enough for him to just let it go and not die on this hill again. But it wasn't. It really wasn't, because Qui-Gon hadn't spoken to him unless necessary in four days. He itched for it, a fight, for something, _anything_ from his master. But Qui-Gon hadn't risen to the challenge, hadn't taken the bait. He'd just walked away. It wasn't even really about the fight, or the four days. It was the deeply uncomfortable emotions and memories they triggered.

Even worse, the only interactions he'd really had with his master were at night. He'd woken up the past four nights to his master's cries, cries of his name, inarticulate sobs. The first time it had happened, he'd shaken Qui-Gon hard, almost crying in his own panic. His master had opened his eyes, blue and wild, and examined Obi-Wan the same way he did after battles. And then he hugged Obi-Wan, which he couldn't say he was unhappy about. Qui-Gon was not usually very physically affectionate, so he took what he could get. He breathed in his master's simple, masculine scent and silently wished Qui-Gon couldn't feel his emotions through their shared bond. 

All the same, Obi-Wan couldn't help the nagging thoughts that maybe this was why he and Qui-Gon weren't a very good team. The last four days had felt like an eternity. And there were fundamental differences in their thinking- while Qui-Gon viewed the Code more as guidelines than rules, Obi-Wan saw them as rules, rather than guidelines as his master did. Where Qui-Gon followed the Force, Obi-Wan followed the Council. And sometimes it felt like there was an ocean of difference between them, and that Qui-Gon had to know it too. Sometimes Obi-Wan wished he had the same faith in the Force and damnable calm as his master. He would do much better with a student that thought the same way he did.

Obi-Wan's insecurities ran deep. As a youngling about to become a Padawan, no master had wanted to take him. He had almost been part of the Service Corps on Bandomeer. It had been almost a stroke of blind luck that his master had chosen him at that last second. But even though he had been chosen, their relationship was rocky from the start. The first few years had Obi-Wan trying to be the best apprentice he possibly could, attempting to work through Qui-Gon's defenses and silently begging the Force to show his master that he would be the best Padawan he'd ever had, if given the chance. 

Those behaviors had slowly melted away, but they were far from gone. Now, Obi-Wan had proved that he was a good apprentice, and their bond had gotten stronger. Especially stronger on his side. 

He didn't know when, exactly, that certain feelings had started to arise, but he _could_ pinpoint when he started to notice them. And look, most Padawans had crushes on their master. It wasn't uncommon, and they faded with due time. But Obi-Wan's had started four years ago, and showed absolutely no signs of going away. It was as if one day Obi-Wan had woken up and his master's broad shoulders and bright eyes were _way_ more attractive than they should have been. 

He'd tried completely ignoring them, releasing them to the Force, meditating on them- they just didn't want to leave, it seemed. He'd started resorting, lately, to exercising to get them out of his head. Obi-Wan knew good and well that he couldn't always work himself until he dropped to drive intrusive thoughts out of his brain, that it only served to hurt him in the long run. But it worked. And at this point, he didn't have the heart or the guts to stop it, not when it _worked_. 

So he was headed to the dojo.

"Back again, Obi-Wan?" called a familiar voice. Bant. She was one of Obi-Wan's best friends, and they often trained together. She was also the only person who knew about his feelings for his master. And what he was doing to suppress them. 

"Yeah," he sighed, walking over to her. 

"What's wrong?" she asked. 

Obi-Wan told her the incredibly short version: his master hadn't really spoken to him in a few days, and so he'd provoked him deliberately for a response. He said nothing about Qui-Gon's mysterious nightmares. If he hadn't told Obi-Wan, they must not be important enough. And even if he had, he certainly wouldn't spread it around. She nudged his shoulder with her own and told him he should get it out of his system. He wholeheartedly agreed. 

After two hours of intense sparring, Bant lowered her lightsaber and grinned at him. 

"Look at you, flipping around the place, huh?" she snarked. Obi-Wan just smirked and used the Force to make a high jump, flipping in the air twice and landing on his feet. "Smug bastard. Look, c'mere," she said, and he walked closer. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I got a message today. From Jay." 

"What?" Obi-Wan gasped. "Jay? But he's-" 

"Been gone a while," Bant nodded. "But he got hold of me. He said he'll be in the city today, in this bar downtown. If we wanted to meet." She shrugged. "I don't know about you, but I want to see him." 

"Yeah, yeah," Obi-Wan smiled. "I want to see what he's been doing since he left." 

"Alright then," his friend returned his grin. She deactivated her lightsaber and hooked it to her belt as Obi-Wan did the same. 

"Let's do it." 

* * *

Qui-Gon took a deep breath, surfacing from his meditation in the gardens. It had been a few hours, according to the chronal nearby and the shadows on the walls from the setting sun. He'd had his moments to regain his calm, and now it was time to fix this. 

Obi-Wan had seemed on edge most of the day, so he probably should have seen this coming. The Council had reminded him ever so helpfully to remember his orders, and where they came from. Qui-Gon had bullshitted his way through a response, a not-quite apology. But as soon as they were out of the Council's chambers, Obi-Wan had whirled and asked him why he continued to disrespect the Council as he did. It was a conversation they'd had many times, but this time felt different, his apprentice's green eyes bright with righteous anger. 

He knew Obi-Wan's outburst had nothing to do with the reprimand or the Council at all. He _had_ been avoiding him for most of the week. So it was rather inevitable that Obi-Wan would do something to either figure out the reason for it, or to seek out a reaction. In all actuality, the avoidance wasn't to do with anything Obi-Wan had done. Qui-Gon had trying to work through dreams he had been having over the course of the week.

They were always the same- his Obi-Wan standing, in a aura of white light and wearing his Jedi robes, standing in front of a taller man in all black, goggles on his head and a lightsaber on his belt. His aura was a murky grey, and he extended a hand to Obi-Wan, saying something Qui-Gon could never make out. His apprentice always furrowed his brow in confusion, but after a few more words from the man in black, he took his hand. His aura of white shifted to the same grey, and his Jedi robes fell away to reveal Obi-Wan in the same black, form-fitting clothes as the other man. On his face was a wicked grin. 

And then the scene cut to flashing images, Obi-Wan's eyes rimmed with black kohl, and his blue blade glowing bright. His hair was just a little longer in those images. His nerf tail was gone, but his padawan braid remained, tied back or tucked behind his ear. He was handsome in real life, and here, too- here he was dangerous. Here he was deadly, and he knew it. 

But Qui-Gon didn't get to appreciate the look for long, for next there were scenes of the man in black, dark eyes glittering, illuminated by a yellow lightsaber. There were people he didn't know, a Mon Calamari, another human, too, with them. Faint shouts were all Qui-Gon could hear, along with the clashing of sabers and blaster shots. But one voice was loudest, one he didn't recognize, screaming-

"Obi-Wan, _no_!" 

The quick images of Obi-Wan and the people in black would stop, and he would have to watch, unable to move or scream and powerless to help, as a hooded figure in black ignited a red lightsaber and stabbed his apprentice through the chest with it. Obi-Wan's body crumpled to the ground, and it was only then that Qui-Gon was able to move. He always ran to Obi-Wan, pulling the man halfway into his lap, cradling his face with one hand. 

"Obi-Wan," he whispered, silently begging him to wake up. Silence fell around them as Obi-Wan's eyes fluttered open, probing Qui-Gon's face. But his eyes were filled with confusion, not recognizing him. It broke his heart every time, and couldn't stop a sob from breaking into his words "Obi-Wan," he said again, "It's me. I'm here." 

And he always, _always_ watched as the light in his Padawan's beautiful eyes died. 

The first time he'd dreamed it, he'd woken up to Obi-Wan shaking him roughly, voice panicked as he tried to rouse his master. Qui-Gon had sat up, holding his apprentice at arms-length to make sure he was truly there, unhurt. Once he'd made sure, he pulled Obi-Wan into a crushingly tight hug, silently crying into his shoulder. And even when he had told Obi-Wan that he was okay, that he could go back to bed- he _stayed._

And the second, third and fourth times were much the same, to the point where he'd just started going to bed later, in the hopes that the ~~dream~~ nightmare could be avoided somehow. That never stopped them. But every time he woke up from the awful vision, Obi-Wan was there, and Obi-Wan stayed. He was never there in the morning, they never spoke of it in the morning, but he had stayed. 

Qui-Gon shook his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts. He needed to see Yoda. And then he would approach Obi-Wan, and hopefully resolve all of this. 

* * *

When Obi-Wan pushed open the door to the bar, the place was already hopping, although it was just late afternoon. A few aliens, off-worlders and humans alike sat at tables, on barstools, and took swigs of drinks. Sitting in the middle of it, in a booth, was a young man in all black. He wore black pants, a black shirt, and his pale skin seemed all the brighter for his dark attire. He had short black hair that stuck up in places, and on his head were a pair of goggles. His dark eyes took in everything, all of his surroundings, even as he laughed at someone else's joke and called for a refill. Obi-Wan relished in the feeling of the familiar Force signature. _This_ was Jay Siska. 

Bant turned to Obi-Wan. "Well, he doesn't look like he's had a rough time of it." Obi-Wan laughed quietly as Jay looked up and noticed them. His grin was wide and bright as he called over. 

"Bant! Obi-Wan!" he practically jumped the table to get over to them. His voice quieted as he stood in front of them, looking at each of them. "You came." 

"Duh," Bant grinned. "You're looking well." 

"I'm _doing_ well," Jay said. "Hey, Obi-Wan." 

"Hi," Obi-Wan said, unable to stop his smile. 

"Man, did Jinn ever loosen up on you?" Jay asked, as he led them to a separate table in the back of the bar. 

"A little bit," Obi-Wan snorted. 

"Although lately he seems to be in some sort of _mood_ ," Bant added. Obi-Wan shot her a look. 

"A mood, huh?" their friend said. "What kind of mood? 'Cause if it's something like-" 

"Not like that," he interrupted. "He just hasn't... been talking to me lately. So I started a disagreement. It's fine." 

"Ooh, _Obi-Wan_ , starting _fights_?" Jay whistled.

"It wasn't a fight-" 

"Don't you want to tell him about _other_ developments with you and Master Jinn?" Bant was the one to cut in this time, and she shot Obi-Wan the same look he'd given her earlier. 

"He likes him, doesn't he," Jay says nonchalantly, leaning back in his seat. Obi-Wan gaped, and his friend laughed and said, "Come on, man. I had my suspicions when I was still at the Temple, but now? Clear as day." 

"I do _not_ ," Obi-Wan insisted, but Jay just arched an eyebrow, and he figured there was no point in hiding it anymore. "Fine," he groaned. "Fine. Yes, I do. Can we drop it now?" Bant just giggled and asked Jay what he'd been doing. Shoving away any thoughts of Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan listened to Jay's reply.

As it turned out, their friend had been smuggling for a while, until he'd gotten himself picked up by a group of people who freed slaves from planets that weren't Republic occupied, or that were but hadn't released the enslaved people yet. 

"We make a lot of money from that," Jay said, taking a pull from his glass. "People pay us to free them. _And_ we get to beat the shit out of slaveowners, how great is that?" 

"Pretty great," Bant agreed. Obi-Wan nodded along. 

"Actually," Jay said. "And this is part of the reason I asked you guys to meet up. And that I asked about Jinn, Obi-Wan." 

"Yeah?" 

"I wanted to know if either of you would come with me." 

" _What._ " Bant whispered. 

"Come with me," Jay spread his arms. "Freeing slaves. Partying. Using the Force how we want. If there's one thing I know now, from being out in the world for what, five years? It's that the dark isn't bad." 

"So you're a Sith," Obi-Wan leaned over the table. 

"No," he said. "I'm in the grey area. I use the light. I meditate. I practice katas and cadences and all of that. But when I need it, I can pull from the dark as well. I'm not sticking to one or the other. I'm walking the line. And it's so much better than the stuffy Jedi and their Code." He paused. "And you don't have to tell me now. You don't even have to leave the Order permanently. Just come and see the other side. And if you like it better with the Jedi, you can always go back. Hell, Kenobi- I don't even think the Dark Side would take you." 

Bant laughed, but it sounded hollow. "You're asking us to dabble in the Dark Side with you." 

Jay shrugged. "I'm asking you to get out there. Live a little. Like a gap year." 

"A _gap year_!" Bant exclaimed. "Sith hells. A _gap year_." 

"And we could come back," Obi-Wan found himself saying. What was he doing? Thinking of leaving the Jedi Order? Even if he could return, would they want to have him? And what of his master? What if he came back and was allowed to return, but his master didn't want him? Or had found someone else? A sharp pain twisted in his heart at the thought. 

But it was also a chance. A chance for Obi-Wan to try and get over his pathetic feelings for Qui-Gon. He could meet new people. See new worlds. And besides, what if Jay was right? What if living in the grey area let him do more for people who needed it? What if it really was better? 

"Don't tell me you're actually considering this, Obi-Wan," Bant said. "It'll be the second Jedi apprentice lost in five years. Your master-" 

"My master wouldn't care," Obi-Wan snapped. 

"Obi-Wan," Bant said quietly. "He would. You know he would. You saw what happened after Xanatos. He-" 

"Xanatos fell. I won't." he said. 

"He would care," she persisted. "I know he hasn't been the best master to you, Obi-Wan, and it's not your fault. But running off isn't the answer." Obi-Wan fell silent for a moment as Jay watched.

"It wouldn't be running off," Obi-Wan said, voice low. He turned to Jay. "You were right. Four years ago, when you left. You said we were good. And that we had options. And we do." 

"Obi-Wan..." Bant trailed off. 

"I did," Jay nodded. 

Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "When are you going?" 

Jay smiled widely. "Tomorrow. 9 AM." 

"And you'll be at the spaceport?" Obi-Wan asked. 

"Yes," Jay said. "Follow my Force signature, you'll find it." 

"Alright then." he agreed. 

"Obi-Wan!" Bant hissed again. "Are you kidding me?" 

"No!" he turned to face her, "I'm tired of being the good Padawan, okay? I'm tired of wanting what I can't have all the time. It feels like it's killing me, Bant, do you get it? And this is my chance to get over it. I'm going to go out, I'll get my priorities straight, and then I'll come home. That's it." 

"What are you going to tell him?" she whispered. 

"Nothing," Obi-Wan said, voice steadier than he expected. "I'm not telling him anything. Can we get another round, please?" 

* * *

"Master Qui-Gon, good to see you, it is," Yoda said when Qui-Gon entered the Council chambers. None of the other members were there, seeing as the Council wasn't in session. 

"It's good to see you too, Master Yoda," he said, sitting down in an open seat. 

"Troubled, you are," the green master observed. 

"I... yes," Qui-Gon nodded. "I've been having a disturbing dream." 

When he finished, Yoda was silent for a few moments. "Turning to the Dark Side, you fear Padawan Kenobi is?" he inquired. 

"No." His answer was always the same on that front. His apprentice just wasn't Dark Side material. If anything, when they meditated together, Obi-Wan's Force signature was always a steady ball of bright light in his mind's eye. "His aura wasn't black, it was grey. Light grey, if anything. And his lightsaber was blue, his eyes weren't the yellow of a Sith." 

"Seems, it does, that this dream shows Kenobi leaving the Jedi," the other master said slowly. 

"Is there any way to stop this?" Qui-Gon asked, practically leaning forward in his seat in anticipation of the answer. 

"Know, I do not," Yoda said, wise brown eyes watching Qui-Gon. "But give Kenobi a reason to stay, you should." 

Qui-Gon knew the end of a conversation when he heard it. He got up and walked out, bowing to Master Yoda on his way. Yoda not providing clear instructions beyond _give Kenobi a reason to stay_ wasn't for lack of trying, it was just that in moments like these, Qui-Gon wanted definite, black and white answers. And that, as he always told Obi-Wan, was not really how the Force worked. 

He tried to shove down his anger and frustration. This was _his_ Padawan, _his_ Obi-Wan, and- 

And he had to stop thinking like that. He had to stop thinking of Obi-Wan as anything more than his apprentice, because he _wasn't_ anything more than his apprentice. As much as he wanted that not to be the case, it was, and he had to start acting like it. It had been two years- anyone would think he'd be over it by now. 

He turned his focus to the situation at hand. How could he convince Obi-Wan to stay? Did Obi-Wan even know what was going to befall him? He couldn't have, unless- 

Unless Obi-Wan had already done what the vision showed first, accepting whatever offer the man in black had offered him. Qui-Gon desperately prayed that he hadn't. That he didn't _know_ a man in black like that. He needed to make this right, starting with explaining his sudden distance from his apprentice. But Obi-Wan wasn't in the Padawan's dojo, or their quarters when he looked. But it gave him a little time to think. 

The entire situation gave him chills. Every time he thought about the hooded person with their red lightsaber and Obi-Wan's dying face, a bolt of terror hit him right in the gut. This was the real reason he had been avoiding his Padawan- every time he saw him, all he could think of was his lifeless corpse. 

_I'll wait for him,_ Qui-Gon decided. _And when he comes, I'll tell him everything._

_Well, maybe not everything._

* * *

The night ended with Obi-Wan and Bant stumbling back to the Temple way later than they were supposed to. They hadn't drank much, Obi-Wan didn't really like the taste of alcohol and Bant didn't want to make a fool of herself going home. But they were definitely a little buzzed, and as Bant giggled in his ear, Obi-Wan dragged the both of them through the hallways of the Temple. He dropped her off at her quarters and walked to his own. 

Opening the door, he realized it was way later than he thought, and that was mostly due to the fact that Qui-Gon was still awake. It looked like he was meditating in their small living space (at two in the morning?), but when the door closed behind Obi-Wan, his eyes flew open like he hadn't been meditating at all. 

"It's late," Qui-Gon commented, getting up and walking over to the kitchen, where a pot of water for tea was boiling. He pointedly didn't look at his apprentice. 

"You didn't have to wait up, master," Obi-Wan said, feeling a twinge of guilt as he took off his robe and boots and put them away. 

"No, I didn't," he replied, and didn't elaborate. Obi-Wan straightened and watched his master make tea, confused and tense. "Did you have a good time with Bant?" 

Qui-Gon's tone was light, and if Obi-Wan hadn't been paying attention, he would have missed how deceptively nice it was. No, Qui-Gon didn't hold grudges. But Obi-Wan could tell this was about something more than the fight he'd picked. 

"I did," he answered cautiously, sitting down at the table and drumming his fingertips on the surface lightly. His master sighed and turned around, placing a steaming cup in front of Obi-Wan. He sat in the other chair and took a sip of his tea before speaking. 

"Obi-Wan," he started. "First, I'm sorry about this week. I know it looked like I was avoiding you, and that's because-" Qui-Gon took a breath. "I was." Obi-Wan's grip tightened around the cup, but he didn't speak, waiting for his master to finish. "I've been having visions. The nightmares." He looked up at Obi-Wan, whose breath caught slightly at the intensity of Qui-Gon's gaze. 

"Yes," Obi-Wan said, voice low enough to be a whisper. 

"They... it's always the same one." he looked up again from his tea, sounding wearier than Obi-Wan had ever heard him. 

"Master, you don't have to-" 

"They were all of you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "I watched you leave the Jedi Order. I watched you _die_." 

It was a barely perceptible hitch in his breathing, but Obi-Wan was out of his seat in an instant and wrapping his arms around his master's shoulders. He pulled his Padawan down, closer, until he was practically sitting on Qui-Gon's lap. He ran gentle fingers through the older man's hair, letting him try to pull himself together. 

"I'm not dead. I'm here." Obi-Wan whispered. His voice tightened at the words, because- well, because _Jay,_ and in a few hours Obi-Wan would be walking onto a ship and he really _would_ be leaving. But he'd be back. He wouldn't die. He would come back. 

So why did this feel like goodbye? 

For the first time in years, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and fought back tears, tears that were now spilling down his cheeks. Before he could duck his head and hide them, Qui-Gon looked up and cupped Obi-Wan's face in one of his large hands. His thumb brushed across his cheek and wiped tears away. 

"Master," he tried to say, but his voice broke halfway through and it came out as a mangled sob.

Qui-Gon pressed his forehead gently to Obi-Wan's. "Oh, dear heart," he murmured, and the pet name only further broke the Padawan's self-control. "Obi-Wan. _Darling_. Shh, it's alright. It's okay." Another hitched whimper left his mouth as he realized- this, what he'd been thinking of doing, what he'd agreed to with Jay must have caused Qui-Gon's nightmares. 

"I-" Obi-Wan started. "I'm _sorry_ ," he gasped, the full weight of the realization hitting him hard. 

"For what?" Qui-Gon asked, brows furrowed in confusion, and that only made it _worse_ somehow. 

"I was... I _was_ going to leave," Obi-Wan said. "I- You had the visions because I was going to- go," he finished lamely, forcing himself to look away from his master's bright eyes. 

"You where- _what_?" Obi-Wan searched the older man's tone, and their bond simultaneously, for anger or resentment, but all he could find were concern and confusion. 

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and lowered his mental shields enough to spill memories into their bond. They were of the day's activities- Bant telling him that she'd heard from Jay after four years. Jay's offer. Obi-Wan's acceptance, paired with Bant's horror. His accompanying anger. And behind all of it, looming over everything Obi-Wan did; the bone-deep _fear_ that he wasn't good enough, that he had never _been_ good enough, and that he would try, but he would never be good enough. 

He heard a tiny gasp from Qui-Gon when he finished, when it all stopped. His master pulled him into another hug, tighter this time, and released his own emotions. To the Force, yes, but also to Obi-Wan. And it was fear as well, but where Obi-Wan's fear had been centered around disappointing his master, Qui-Gon's fear was rooted in losing him, in waking up one morning and realizing Obi-Wan had been drifting away from him for years, and that it was too late entirely to bring him back. 

But what stood out most, was _love._

"Promise me you won't go with him," Qui-Gon whispered, breathless. "Promise me you'll stay." 

"Master-" 

"I haven't been honest with you, Obi-Wan," he sighed. "And that is not your fault. I have... left things out that, if I had said them, could have helped us avoid this predicament entirely." He pulled back from the younger man, hand dropping from his face. Qui-Gon fell silent for a moment, and then spoke softly, not meeting Obi-Wan's gaze. "I love you, Obi-Wan. I am..." he looked up, seeing his Padawan's eyes go wide. Surprise flares through the bond as he continues to speak, voice rough and low. "I am in awe of you, my Padawan." 

"Master," Obi-Wan couldn't stop the smile that broke across his face in an instant. "I love you too." 

**Author's Note:**

> jay siska! he was originally going to have a bigger role to play in this, as it was supposed to be way longer, but alas, he does not. part of me wants to go and write what could have happened if obi-wan powered through and went with jay and his crew. i had ideas for the crew, too, but they'll probably get their sequel or something. ;))
> 
> this was my first time writing for this pairing and i really hope i did them justice. i hope you liked this! if you did, leave a comment or kudos because i LIVE for them!
> 
> also! my twitter is @cobblebird so go check that out ;)


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